Niclas Larsson

Illustration by
Pik-Tone Fung

Dear me,

I don’t know you yet. Therefore I feel it’s hard to write you this letter. ’Cos you know how we are, right? We do or feel something, and a couple of years later, we feel embarrassed about it. Remember that extremely pretentious application years ago to that perfume school in France? Or that first date with M? Wow, I almost forget how embarrassing that was. I mean who says ‘you look great when you smoke’? Well, it turned out good. I hope. I don’t dare ask the question, I just hope. I’m not searching for an answer. It’s hopeless to do so, because you can’t answer me now anyway. I’ll have to wait for another three years. Freaking hate waiting.

I hate waiting so much right now that I felt bad when I watched Titanic for the hundredth time last night. Not because of its length—no, that’s fine—only because I start thinking about James Cameron. I start comparing myself with the best filmmaker in the world. (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe his films are the best. He’s just one of the best filmmakers of our time, or biggest.) Anyway, I start comparing his life next to mine and I feel really bad about it. I feel bad because he has everything I want. He gets to play God each time he is running a production. I want to do that. I want to play God. I want to be like Julius Caesar when he built Rome. I want to take people to places they have never been before, show people true love and true feelings. Build cathedrals, reunite families and fight wars. Take people to space and back. Connect worlds. And disconnect them.

It’s called hubris. I know.

I wonder if James Cameron has hubris. I wonder if he felt like me when he was 22. And I wonder if he ever doubted his future dreams of becoming the greatest filmmaker of all time. Because I do, and that scares me. It scares me that I may lack the confidence I need to reach James Cameron’s level of success. I wonder if James Cameron ever doubts himself. I wonder if he ever feels weak or sad. I hope so. Even better, I hope I don’t when I’m you.

I feel better when I see on his IMDb page that he made Piranha 2 when he was 27. Thanks, James Cameron, for being human. It helps a lot.

Niclas Larsson

May 2013