My dear 25-year-old self on 5th September 2007,
I can tell you for sure that, five years later, you are still in London. You are still learning, still growing, still trying to find yourself.
Yes, you are still indecisive, but I guess that is part of our charm… as is our sarcasm. A few other things are still around. Your husband is still here (so don’t be afraid that if you don’t move to London you will lose him). We are even trying for a baby. I’ll tell you in a few more years how that will turn out. So far, it is a bit difficult getting pregnant, but as you may already know, the good things don’t always come easily. Actually, a letter from my 40-year-old self saying that I shouldn’t have worried because I am a Mum - a great one too! - would be good to have now.
Your family is still keeping well, Mum is still fine, no more suicidal attempts, as I know how scared you are about that. Now she is even encouraging me to be more optimistic… the cheek of her! Dad is still dad, still always there for me, still allowing me to make my own mistakes. And let me tell that you will make plenty. Just get over them to the best of your ability, and most importantly, LEARN from them. I’ve noticed that you tend to repeat them because you trust people too much. In about two years, you will start thinking that because you married young, you are not your own person, that you are too much a part of a couple to be independent. Keep in mind that if a person is worthy of being in your life, they will make an appearance later on, like in all the books that you so much like to read. You don't love yourself enough just yet and that comes with insecurity and struggle. You need someone to love you more than you love yourself to keep you together until you learn how to live with yourself.
On that topic, please pick up Jane Eyre and read it NOW! It is a good lesson on patience, love and finding your independence. The kind of love that everybody aspires to, strong and unconditional, and which is not shallow or afraid of the passing of time. The kind of love based on friendship and banishing of each other’s ghosts, fears and panic attacks... A love that doesn't feed on flowers and cheesy cards, but on a line from Home Alone delivered with a big grin, 'You filthy animal!' You need to believe, in yourself and in your destiny, God or the Universe, however you want to call it, that when the time comes, you will make the right decision (and I am not talking about the blonde highlights… no matter how you look at it, they are still a mistake). As Jane did, you will see in a few years time that in order to get to the right place, you must wander away from what you have (or more specifically, from whom you have) and then willingly find your way back. Your three guides should be love, friendship, and your intuition. The end is as important as the journey, and if you want your happy ending, you must love and be loved.
Also, diets don’t work! They just discovered that the more you try to lose weight the more you put on after that. So keep active, even if it is just going for a long walk with a dearest friend (you haven’t met her yet, but you will see a spark immediately, and yes she is still around, even though we don’t see each other as much as we would like to).
You will have amazing friends, laughter, good times and you will be useful. Trust me! I know you just arrived in London and it seems so alien, big and scary. You are looking out the window of the ugly flat you are living at the moment and you burst into tears when you see two ladies having a fag outside the office, wishing you were one of them. You will! You will find a good job with great people to learn from. Not only good things will happen, but they will still teach you good life lessons. You will see later on that they count and they turn into experience. Be proud of your mistakes and life. You have a past; you have a story to share.